This past year, I’ve been struggling with the fact that I haven’t created or completed as many projects as I’ve wanted to. However, it was still a big year. I was published for the first time and I began a youtube channel. I shared a song I wrote with the world. I performed in a musical with a group of people I loved and felt comfortable with for the first time in years. But most importantly, I learned a lot about myself and continued working on making myself the best I can be.
This year I want to find my voice, even if it’s just in the little things. I’ve spent so much time being disappointed in myself for not accomplishing enough or being successful enough that I haven’t been actively trying to improve every day. I quickly feel discouraged and give up or I get so lost in my head that I forget why I even create.
Currently, this is what I know: my voice is loud even if it sounds quiet, I will only succeed in creating things I am passionate about or enjoy, and that it is essential for me to tell my stories and share pieces of myself because it makes me feel happy. But I don’t know where to start or how to end. I need to have more ideas even if they start out too flawed to understand. I don’t know how to narrow down what it is I’m saying to make a relatable point for others while developing a sound and a feeling I like enough to share. Most of the time, I am so nit-picky with the little things like what I do or don’t know or what I can or can’t do that I forgot to find my voice and make art.
This time it will be different for me because I am trying. I am trying to create even though it might fail but that doesn’t mean all of my art is a failure. It doesn’t mean that I am not improving. So I will hold on to what I do right and to what I love about myself so I can improve. I will stop trying to sound like every other seemingly perfect artist and try to sound like myself. I will say what I want to say without letting anything hold me back. People’s expectations shouldn’t impact me, so why are they? How can I make this pressure cease to exist in my life? These little questions are quite complex but finding answers encourages me to continue my art and to get better in every way I can.
So yes, I practice all the time but I don’t share something until I like it. Recently, I haven’t felt very connected to my art because I don’t think it’s really my voice speaking so I haven’t been sharing as much. I still have so much to learn. Thankfully, I have space to grow and I know I will eventually feel confident enough and finally feel like I own my voice enough to share some of my work. But for now, I’m laying a foundation and everything doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s time I stop being my own worst critic and listen to the quiet voice in my head that says to keep on trying. Right now, I’ll sit on the edge of my seat and create until I see my voice sparkle through. I think this year I will finally become comfortable with my own failures. I'll finally be proud of my breakthroughs no matter how small. Something tells me I won't stop fighting until I do.