Introduction
I’m not a very patient person. I think it runs in the family but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with playing mariokart on my DS. Unfortunately for me, this game had what I considered to be a long loading time. Looking back on it, it probably took a minute at most. To keep myself entertained, I would threaten to punch the DS if it didn’t finish loading in the next ten seconds. When it didn’t finish loading, I would inevitably restart the countdown because I didn’t actually want to hurt my DS. However, the fact that I’m not patient still rings true. With much practice, I am now able to do things like wait in line or go to class before losing patience. Still, it takes a ton of effort.
However, out of everything, I think I’m the most impatient with myself. I want to learn how to do this and that, be there for everyone, process my experiences, read a book, write a blog post, play ukulele, take a shower, make a meal, sew a face mask, etc. All the while I’m still growing into my skin and discovering my truth. Not only is it exhausting, but I don’t slam the breaks until my body shuts down. That’s just plain unhealthy.
I try to go slow to maintain my health and my chronic illness, but my brain wants to hustle without taking a single break to rest or grow. That’s why I’m forgiving myself today and giving my future self grace. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that growth isn’t something that happens overnight.
The Nitty-Gritty of Growth
I should probably explain what I mean by growth. In this case, I am referring to my personal development, perspective, and abilities. That seems vague so maybe I should describe what I’m not referring to: my mental and physical health (as it relates to my illnesses), my height, and things that I have no control over (i.e. my circumstances). The growth that I’m referring to is an intangible. Some people may call it maturity or talent, but I’m going to call it growth.
Since I’ve started my blog, I have grown so much as a writer. I didn’t realize it until I started going through my old blog posts and editing them. Some I deleted because they were that bad. Others I edited because I saw something in them that I didn’t want to lose. When I first started blogging, there were so many typos, formatting issues, and nonsensical sentences. I remember being very proud of my blog at the time (ouch), but I’m even more proud, now, that I actually think I’m writing well and know a little bit more about what I’m doing. That change didn’t happen quickly. It was a process of writing terribly, editing, and learning; it was a process of growth. This growth was slow but looking back I can see a huge difference.
Growth in Other Areas of my Life
Growth has happened for me when it comes to how I respond to life and stress. I used to have mountains of unhealthy coping mechanisms, They didn’t magically disappear and some are still here, but slowly these coping mechanisms began to change into something new, something beautiful. One example of a new coping mechanism is a secret hobby. I think everyone needs to have one. It’s just something you do where there’s no pressure from other people or from your finances to perform in a certain way. Mine is songwriting. Instead of worrying about how a song sounds or what the lyrics mean to anyone else, I press record, mess around with my ukulele, and sing whatever comes to mind. By the end of the session, I usually have a whole song written and have fully expressed what it was I wanted to write about. In that way, it’s very cathartic for me. It’s also very raw and unfiltered. So, in order, to respect my personal boundaries I’m not going to share any of them (yet). Finding this quote-unquote secret hobby allowed for growth I didn’t even know was possible.
Becoming Stagnant
There are periods of time or areas of my life where I’ve experienced stagnancy. This could be for a plethora of reasons but I just want to talk about one, impatience. I think about where I want myself to be instead of how I can grow, right now. I dream of a (mostly) put together woman who can provide for herself and live undeterred by her mental and chronic illnesses. However, that’s not realistic, nor will it produce patience and grace for my growth. Whenever I am deterred by my chronic illness, I will respond harshly or even ignore the problem instead of facing it head on. Therefore, making me stop growing in that area. My impatience for my growth literally causes me to stop growing! It’s ridiculous. The last thing I want to do is cease to grow.
Conclusion + a Journal Prompt
I know that I will never grow into a perfect human being. I just know that there is just so much growth about to happen for me. It’s so close, I can feel it! And I want that for me. I want the confidence and authenticity that comes with the growth I desire. I’ve been waiting for it since birth. So that’s why I left a note for myself that says, “I’m still learning to grow. Please be patient.” I have come a long way in the last four years. I can’t wait to watch what happens next.
If you want to use this little reminder, too, I created a super cute phone background with that quote so you can see it whenever you look at your phone. Go to my Free Resource Library to download it for your phone!
The Journal Prompt: In order to better apply this concept to your life, write down your answers to the following questions. You can choose to answer some of them, all of them, or even only the ones that are beneficial to you. I urge you to not just think about these questions but actively write them down to better clear your head and keep a record for your future self.
Looking back over the last few years of your life, name at least two ways you have experienced growth.
Bringing yourself to the present, how are you growing right now? Write down at least two areas in your life that you are noticing new change.
Do you have any expectations for yourself that you need to let go of? What are they? How are they hindering your ability to grow? If you have expectations that are encouraging your growth, these are not to be included in your answer.
What is your biggest struggle in growing? I talked about my impatience. Don’t worry about if your struggle is the same or if it’s different. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are learning about yourself and beginning to grow through something as little as a journal prompt.
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