Introduction
My birthday was on February 19th and 2020 is a big birthday year for me because I turned 18! I have been waiting so long to buy a lottery ticket and, now, I finally can. Just kidding, but maybe I should?
I've seen a lot of youtubers post videos called something like, "20 things I learned by 20," so I thought I would make a similar blog post to celebrate my birthday. Technically, I am writing this before February 19th and it will be published a couple days after February 19th. However, I am doing my best to keep everything in the right tense. Also, this list is written as a lesson being told to my (many) younger selves. That's why it's in second person.
My 18 Lessons
You don't have to copy someone else to be liked. People like you for you. They don't want you to pretend to be someone else who you aren't. They're also already friends with whoever it is you're trying to copy. Why would they want to be friends with two of that person?
If you throw a plastic dinosaur towards your brother's face and he starts bleeding, don't lie about it. It's obvious what happened. He didn't throw the plastic dinosaur at himself hard enough to start bleeding.
Nothing in life will stay the same forever. Things will change, you will change, and that's okay. Your biggest bully might turn out to be one of your closest friends. The class you love so much will eventually end. One day, you'll even finish high school before everyone else. You'll expect to leave with all of these friends and barely make it out with two in the end. Some things aren't meant to last. Some things aren't meant to be forever. That's okay. Enjoy the moments and experiences you have while you can. Be willing to let go when things change. There are so many more memories to make in the future. You have to be willing to accept reality to be able to completely appreciate your past memories and love the present ones while you still can.
Kindness is your best and worst attribute. Being genuinely kind will get you awards you never expected to receive, but it will also hold you back from saying your mind and standing up for yourself when you should. You're allowed to be kind to yourself, too. Delivering bad news or doing the right thing may not feel easy all the time, but it doesn't mean that it's not kind. It actually is.
Remember to text your friends and loved ones. Don't just think about it. Text them!
Don't let your poor motor skills get the best of you. You will eventually work through it. Growing up, you will be late to everything you're supposed to be doing, walking, talking, reading, writing, and even riding a bike. It's going to get harder before it gets easier. One day, you will look back and laugh at the story you wrote about siblings named, "Ned, Fred, Ted, Nathan, and Nathaniel." You will laugh when you see how the words on the page were always too close together or too far apart, not making any sense. You will laugh about how you used to have a lisp and thought everyone else was talking incorrectly. You will laugh when you remember having to be taught how to draw stick figures and how you failed miserably. You'll always understand too much, though. You'll remember listening to your preschool teachers saying that your mispronunciation of certain words was almost like you were consciously ignoring the correct pronunciation. You'll remember the one time you went to OT and overheard the occupational therapist explaining the science behind why you (and everyone else) liked swinging. You'll remember it making sense to you. Even though you were far behind in almost everything else, you were always years ahead in reading between the lines and understanding things that you shouldn't have been able to comprehend at the time. Eventually, your motor skills will catch up, too, and you'll be known for beautiful calligraphy. When you start having a tremor, it'll remind you of how hard you worked to do all of the things that, now, make your hands shake and you'll keep fighting to have good hand writing and draw pretty things. It'll be saddening and disheartening and make you feel like you're moving backwards instead of forwards like everyone else. Remember how you didn't ket your poor motor skills get the best of you earlier and you ended up showing everyone wrong? Do that again.
Being different is good even though you don't fit in because of it. It means you aren't like all of the other bullies and toxic kids you were surrounded by for so many years.
You don't have to hide who you are from anyone. Your existence isn't wrong. Stop listening to the people who say it is. It's that simple.
Go outside and run around in the rain. You'll enjoy it at every age. Now six years later, one of your strongest memories is running multiple blocks to someone's house in the rain during a severe thunderstorm, not allowed to get in a rental car. You weren't worried about being completely clothed in expensive tennis shoes, getting soaked through to your bones, or even getting struck by lightening because you were being a kid (something you, unfortunately, didn't get to experience enough for just now becoming an adult).
Your curiosity and independence are good things contrary to what you've been taught to believe. Those two things are the reason why you were able to overcome hurdles no one else ever even had to face. Those two things are the reason you will continue to thrive in the future, too. If you aren't independent in college, there is no way you'll be able to support yourself. If you aren't curious in college, there is no way you'll be able to finish your degree. Don't apologize for wanting to figure things out on your own. Don't apologize for asking questions other people don't understand. That's not your responsibility, but succeeding on your own is, though. Receiving accommodations for your learning disability, mental illness, and physical disabilities, does not make you any less independent. It just puts you on a more equal playing field.
Taylor Swift is actually super, freakin' talented and intelligent contrary to what you've thought since the beginning of her popularity. Starting one's career with country music doesn't automatically bring all of her music and work down to that same level.
Do you remember how you were sick all the time at a young age? By now, you've had pneumonia 2 or 3 times, the flu at least once, vocal nodules once, and strep way too many times to count (literally). You were in a stroller for months because of ankles that you couldn't stop spraining (and could only stand in swimming pools), rubbed sandpaper on your forehead because you wanted to know how it felt, had one concussion, cut off the tip of your finger (to be glued back on later), and probably experienced a ton of other sicknesses and injuries that I, currently, can't remember. You became so familiar with antibiotics that you called them frog poison because you hated how they tasted that much. Let's not forget that you had to be bribed with stuffed animals as a reward for going to school without sobbing. You may have only started your journey with chronic physical and mental illness over the last four years, but you have never let these things get in the way of your life before you were diagnosed. Don't let it define your life, now.
You don't always know what to say or do to help someone. It's almost always better to say, "I don't know, but I support you," than to give advice you aren't sure of or that doesn't actually apply to their need (because, surprise, you may not understand the full situation). You don't have to solve all of the world's problems. That's too heavy for one woman to carry on her shoulders. Also, it's too heavy for any man to carry on his shoulders, Atlas. Even though you feel like you are responsible for everyone else's safety, lives, and emotions, that's just trauma talking and your brain trying to make sense of it.
It is your job to forgive, not to forget. Just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life. Cut ties if that is healthier for you than not cutting ties. Only you know what the right choice is in these situations. Other people can have their opinions but they don't know everything. Even if they're older than you, you don't have to follow their suggestion to let someone back into your life.
On that note, respecting adults doesn't require you to do exactly what they tell you to do all of them time. You can respect someone, value their opinion, and, still, not do what they tell you to do. There is nothing, literally nothing, wrong with that. I know, I know. Hear me out, hon. You know what is best for yourself more than anyone else, even an adult, does. I have a realistic example from our life to share with you because I know you're still struggling to believe me. You begin having a panic attack at church camp because of the big crowd and noisy atmosphere. You know what's going on and try to separate yourself from the environment. An unspecified adult comes up to you and refuses to leave or let you leave because they think there is something demonic going on. Of course, this kind of attention only makes it worse. When you try to explain what is going on and what they need to do for you to stop panicking, they don't listen. In that situation, the best choice would've been to get away from them. Because you were trying to be polite, you didn't walk away and you listened to them even though it was worsening your panic attack. You still could have been perfectly respectful and polite by saying something like, "I know you are trying to help me and thank you so much for that. I really appreciate how much you care about me. Right now, I am feeling overwhelmed by everyone and everything. I know I'm not allowed to leave without an adult so I will grab a leader I feel comfortable with and we will be over there. We can talk another time about what you think is going on when I am able to function." Then, you could've gotten up and walked away from the very triggering situation. I know you strongly believed that this would've been disrespectful at the time, but it actually wouldn't have been. Disrespectful would have looked like you yelling at her, cussing her out, fighting with her, calling her rude names, or anything else along those lines. Doing what is right for you in a kind and loving way is never disrespectful or wrong.
There's never a wrong time to go to Disney World. No one is too old for magic.
It's okay to love something even though a mean person in your life, loves it, too. I don't know if this is something else other people experience but it's going on the list because it's a very important thing that I've learned. If a mean person talks about something they like and you also like it, keep liking it. Their opinion on a passion, hobby, topic, or thing doesn't need to change your own. A mean person liking a cool thing doesn't make the cool thing bad or less cool. It's just so cool that mean people like it, too.
Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. They aren't just a physical barrier for personal space but a way to protect yourself and others in an intangible sense from developing toxic, abusive, or unhealthy relationships. They are an important part of all healthy relationships. That means you should have them with friends, family, lovers, and professional colleagues. Some boundaries may look like cutting ties with someone completely (indefinitely or until you don't need to anymore). Other boundaries might just look like not talking about politics with a certain person. Some boundaries may also be physical, too, like not touching someone's open, bleeding wound. They can be obvious or subtle. As your feelings, activities, thoughts, or relationships change, you may need to change your boundaries to match your needs. Don't forget to keep the other person in the loop. They deserve to know the truth. It's okay to have boundaries that involve not telling certain people about your health. You're the only person who needs to know about your health in a complex and detailed way. It's not wrong to keep that part of yourself from people and it doesn't mean you're hiding your 'true' self from them, either. I know you haven't always know what boundaries are and why they're important. You do, now, and that's what matters. It shows you're growing up and gaining maturity. I know it's been hard for you to figure all of this out, but it's such a good thing. Better late than never, right?