Go to the end of this post to find resources to talk and reach out for help.
I know I've written many posts about this topic but I don't think I've explicitly talked about responding to someone who's just shared their mental illness with you. First of all, I am not a trained mental health professional. This is just what I've learned from my own experiences with mental illness and also from other people in my life telling me about their experiences. Most of the things in this list I've either had people tell me or told someone else and made a grave mistake.
1. Assume you know and understand the complexities of what this person is experiencing and going through.
In trying to be empathetic, I have done this on accident way too many times to count. Whether it's a simple "oh, me too" or a long and drawn out explanation, I have probably said it before. Every human being is so different and unique. How could one person be able to understand every single emotion, perspective, opinion, thought, and more from another? It's just not possible. Instead of encouraging someone by claiming you know exactly what they're going through, try saying "wow, that must be so difficult" or "I can only imagine what that would feel like and that would feel awful." Maybe you do know exactly what someone is going through because you went through it, too. Be careful of making their honesty all about you. It may not be purposeful so please be cautious of how much you are sharing. When in doubt, only respond in this way if their knowledge that you went through the same thing will help them.
2. Give advice.
Of course, there are a couple of conditions to this, too. Unless you are their medical professional, never give medical advice. You might want to suggest that they should get treatment or ask their doctor about a certain medication or option. This is perfectly reasonable. You may even tell them about the place you heard about across the street that they can afford. You get a gold star for this health advice. If you tell them that they should definitely take ______ medication that you can give them from your prescription or that you, without any training, can be their doctor because you've been to a couple of appointments before, you receive zero stars of any kind from me. This is not wise for so many reasons.
"But Kiki, they asked me for advice on how I've been managing my mental health! They want to try some stuff out for themselves that's worked for me. Shouldn't I tell them?"
Unless it is medical advice, the answer is yes. Just please don't give advice when they aren't looking for any. If someone has a headache, you might offer them Advil. If they refuse it and you continue to wave Advil in their face, then you're only going to make the headache worse.
2a. Suggest exercise, yoga, meditation, coloring, journaling, etc. because you read about how it changed so and so's life.
The person you are talking to has probably already tried or is doing the above things to help manage their mental health. It gets annoying hearing it for the fiftieth time. This doesn't apply if any of the above have actually helped you and the individual has asked for advice.
3. Immediately and frantically claim that they are demonically possessed.
A couple of years ago, I was having a very bad panic attack at a church event. This one person who didn't know me super well kept on telling me that I was possessed or at the very least impacted by a demonic presence. The reality was that I have social anxiety and it was too crowded and too loud for my brain to stop panicking. Of course, this suggestion and continuous dismissal of my needs only made my anxiety worse. This was not a fun time for all involved, but particularly, me, who could've had a much easier time self-managing. It's very discouraging and upsetting to hear this. It feels like someone doesn't actually believe you're experiencing what you are, indeed, experiencing. That's really all I have to say about this. Please don't.
4. Say that you don't believe them.
If a loved one tells you that they have a mental health condition that you don't see affecting them at all, this doesn't mean they don't have it. They have probably been hiding their illness from you. This doesn't mean that they didn't want to tell you; they were probably feeling embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, worried, or scared about them. Some may have never stopped thinking about telling you for an extended period of time. Not only does disbelief cause doubt that one is actually experiencing what they have been diagnosed with or know they are, it hurts. It hurts to hear from someone you care about that they don't think you have any reason to struggle or even believe you are struggling in the way that you are.
If someone has decided to open up about their mental illness with you, they probably waited until they knew for sure that it was real. They could be high-functioning. They could have the best life. They could even be the happiest or calmest person you know. It doesn't matter what you believe about their health or about mental health in general. It is important you show your love and support for them. On the other side of the spectrum, their condition could be controversial. They could be faking it. They might want more attention. Psychology could be a pseudoscience that isn't even real. It doesn't matter what your reasoning is for not wanting to believe them. Your reasoning could be from years of stigmatized mental illness and mental health. Please don't spread this stigma. Support your loved ones with the encouraging response they need to here.
5. Treat them like a strange, little alien.
What I mean by this will take a second to explain so buckle in for the ride. Your loved one just told you about their mental illness. Because of this, you treat them differently than you used to. Maybe they told you about their depression and struggle with alcohol. Instead of laughing at their self-deprecating jokes like you both used to, you immediately begin to panic that your loved one is about to have too much to drink after they make a joke. So you freak out and quickly change the topic to ask how they're doing. This story does not end well. Your loved one is more than their mental illness or disability. Some days they may feel like it defines them and when you feel like that, it will make it even harder for them. Just because they have mental health that's different than yours doesn't mean you need to be extra careful around them. They still had this mental illness before telling you. If everything becomes one serious, life or death situation, neither of you are going to be able to enjoy yourselves again. They are not a strange, mysterious, or scary alien. They are human, just like you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to say this but so often, this happens on accident without any realization. A couple of signs that you are doing this to your loved one who just told you about their mental illness include everything changed after they opened up to you, there is a new, underlying tension that you never noticed before, conversations often end in crying, silence, frustration, or anger, new unspoken disagreements have popped up, and/or you aren't spending as much time with each other as you did before/there is only a surface-level relationship instead of the one you used to have. Of course, there are many reasons this could be happening but it may be blatantly obvious that this is why if you have been treating your loved one like an alien.
I hope this list helps you to respond in a healthy way if your loved one opens up about their mental illness. If you have done any of these things in the past, maybe send your loved one this post and apologize. This is another reminder that I am not a trained mental health professional (except in mental health first aid).
If you or a loved one are in crisis, call 911 or the emergency number where you live.
If you or a loved one are in need of non-life threatening help, feel free to call or contact someone with the links below.
An International list of mental health support and helplines:
A list of mental health support and helplines in the US:
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