*trigger warning for mentions of sexual abuse beginning in the "End of an Era" section.
The End of an Era
I have some major news that will change the face of the trauma survivor community. Hopefully, it will allow any of you who have experienced trauma to stay in the moment for a little bit, knowing that you are believed.
The False Memory Syndrome Foundation no longer exists. The couple who founded this organization created with the desire to cover up the father's sexual abuse towards his daughter. This foundation has caused so much harm with zero standing medical or scientific evidence. The basics of their beliefs are that many people can develop false memories in therapy, it is not possible to distinguish these false memories from correct ones (without external evidence, most people who have been abused as children remember it all their life (meaning repression is very rare), and there is no group of symptoms that can suggest sexual abuse. If you're interested in learning more about this foundation, you can find information on Wikipedia. The fact that this organization ever existed and also led so many people to incorrectly believe information without substantial scientific proof about sexual and childhood abuse makes me absolutely furious. There's already enough stigma and negativity associated with survivors of the two. Thanks for adding to the pile.
Anyway, the good news is that FMYF no longer exists and the founders' daughter, Jennifer Freyd, is continuing her work as a psychologist that specializes in trauma. Please take some time to celebrate this major victory with me.
My Present Story
As I am sitting in the living room of my new home writing this, I feel an overwhelming gratitude for life. I have been waiting two hours for all of my laundry to be clean so that I can hang it to dry by the morning. There are three large windows on the roof in the living room. While they share beautiful views of the city, they also invite the cold closer during the winter months. I am in more pain than I have been in for months. The weather barely rises more than one degree above freezing and snowy. The grocery stores are difficult for me to navigate and understand. I get more dirty looks than usual for sitting in seats or daring to use the elevators for public transportation. German is a complicated and unforgiving language. Past trauma likes raising itself back to life. None of this bothers me. At least, it doesn't right now. It would be a massive lie if I said these things never bother me. Often times, they do. Right now, these are the things that are reminding me of life and the impact I could have on others if I don't let these things ever bother me, if I stay in the moment rather than get lost in the challenges of the past, the present, or the future.
Sometimes, I am saddened by the thought that I could be doing so much more if I wasn't in constant pain or experiencing constant fatigue. Today, I am letting this thought encourage me. It tells me that I am so much stronger than the rest of the world for refusing to let chronic illness stand in my way. It shows me how far I've come in managing my pain and my life.
Ten Minutes Later
The laundry machine started to beep at me so I had to hang all my clothes to dry. Where was I? Ah, yes. Having an increased pain tolerance doesn't solve all of my problems, though. I am very grateful for ice packs, Advil, braces, and all of the other things I use to manage my pain. It would be helpful if I didn't experience it at all (or to the least amount possible). That is why I still am looking forward to getting a shower chair and a wheelchair and/or rollator (I feel old if I use the word 'walker' but same-difference, really). I would love to not take day-long breaks after a day or less, (let's be honest) of activity. Having to take extra steps and precautions, learning about confusing languages and foreign cultures, and not having a dryer for my clothes are things that do not get in my way when I go with the flow and live in the moment. Seriously, I can't let these things get in my way or bother me forever. These are just parts of my everyday life. They will always exist. No matter how hard I try, I can't change them. This is the life I have. I've gotta make the best of it if I want to succeed. Asking "why me?" will only bring silence in response.
Some of the things I have mentioned are only minor inconveniences. Others take up huge chunks of my time and dig scarring chinks in my emotional armor.
Acknowledging the present is the only way I can overcome the past and be brave enough to step into the future.
Staying in the moment all the time is an impossible task for me but there are a few seconds every so often where I remember what experiencing the present is truly like. Before I began writing this, I saw a glimpse of being in the present, and the present, alone. It was beautiful, even if ordinary. I, indeed, felt like none of the mundane or crazy things in life could ever get to me or ever bother me. At this point, that feeling has passed. It's difficult to adjust to the harsh landing into my personal reality but I needed to have a break for a little bit. It felt like having that first breath of fresh air after being trapped in a small car someone farted in or feeling the warm sun on your skin when you're used to snow. Once you're back in that car or back in the cold, the usual patterns return. However graphic that first example may be, I know it gets the point across.
I don't have any tips on how to stay in the present because I don't know any that actually help. I do know that no matter where we are in life or what we've experienced that it is possible for all of us to stay in the present for just a couple of seconds. If we can live in the moment for a couple of seconds, then, surely we can live in the moment for a few minutes. Maybe one day we could live in the moment every single day. For now, experiencing that sensational feeling of truly being in the present every now and then is enough for me.
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